It’s been a while since I last posted. And honestly life has been full, but I also just haven’t felt like sharing my new realisation. I have written about something similar but I think that was just the tip of the iceberg of my realisation. I pray this isn’t a broken record for you, but that it hopefully makes you take a step back and say, ‘Why am I trying to be this person that I’m not?’ It was rainy yesterday, I had finished playing with my little sisters enviously long hair, I had helped her with a school photography project (Computers suck sometimes) and I actually had nothing else to do. So, I sat down with one of my many note pads, you know the really cheep ones that are necessary for writers and creators but are so not pretty. Anyway, I started to blurt out everything I was thinking and in the end I looked at my crazy scribbles and said to myself, ‘I’m ready.’
I’m not mainstream. I have always tried to be, because it was just easy that way, but I always come back to the wide-eyed-wondering-off daydreamer that I am. I don’t think that I will ever be able to fit into the box that my mum and nana keep with my name on it. I believe they hold it close to their hearts because they love me dearly and want only the best for me.
I don’t want to be in a box or a cage or a fenced off field! I want to dream up red wings of passion all of my own so I can tie them to ma body and fly where ever and when ever my soul pleases. I want to feel every emotion that there is… and still come back to love every time.
My authentic self scares me a little because I’m not sure i will find a man that will be able to live with my sensitivity, uncontrollable urges to step outside to bare all to Mother Earth, my desire to constantly seek NEW and different, my single-mindedness when I am writing, or the crazy-healthy weird things that I feed my body. I worry that I don’t fit into my environment anymore, now that i have come to this realisation of… ME. Each day I stay here is a day lost.
I am a fish out of water!
So I am constantly itching to move overseas to Sweden, Germany, Tahoe (California), or place to accommodate my dreams of sustainable living because I would love to live in a forest.
I am not mainstream. I day dream constantly, I act out scenes for whatever book I am writing. I don’t know what it is like to be ‘normal’ anymore. I am constantly having people look at me weirdly or sound shocked because I have just told them that I don’t eat meat or processed foods / don’t use anything plastic / that the green juice and smoothie are both for my lunch because it is just one of those green days. I am constantly shocking people and while a part of me loves it, I want to be around people that reflect my life choices, and will be right next to me as I wash down that green juice with a equally as green smoothie. I do love being able to leave people wondering. Yeah, it will take me a little longer to find the right man, the right job, right, home, and the right environment and people… but that’s okay sometimes because I know know who I am and why I have never fit in.